my christmas | birthday list -- for anyone out there curious.

i woke up with a slight pounding on my brain and when my eyes adjusted, i realized that its NOVEMBER 14. holy fuck - the end of the year is actually in sight. 2009 has been one hell of one and im really happy to be making big moves towards bigger and better things in 2010.

but let us NOT forget the major events of the end of the year (which = lots more vacation time, thank heavens) - thanksgiving, christmas, MY BIRTHDAY! (12/30) and new years eve. all these festivities gear tend to put me in a fantastic mood for most of january and february aka before Boston turns to winter hell.

im home from a 9 hour day at the cafe that i work at on the weekends -- and feeling like i do every week these days, BROKE! to lift my spirits, i thought that i would come up with a christmas/birthday list of things that would be most definetly would be dope to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday. now, im NOT the materialist type...what so EVER...but a girl can dream right?

1. CLAWMONEY gear - my girl keeps cranking out the goods with her signature line that ive always adored (but never could afford). guess what! they are actually having a sale on hoodies now that is out of this world -- like 50%! i would wear/own annnnnything on this site (in an XS plz) but im HOPING that these joints stay on sale till next payday. CLAW a personal hero of mine, is doing the damn thing:   http://store.clawmoney.com/womens1.html

2. Tattoos - im honest when i say this, I really dont even care what or how or when. i haven't got an excuse in the world to pay for a tattoo cause, well, i live paycheck to paycheck to survive right now and a savings account isn't in sight until i have a better paying gig, finally win big on bingo scratch tickets, or obama gives me money for my student loans. i haven't been tattooed in now over 3 years and for someone who ran out the door to get one at midnight on her 18th birthday, its been so long.


and last but not least, CA$H - i got more bills to pay making me ill everyday and cash works just about everywhere!

i guess im not THAT much of a dreamer -- maybe i just realize that i dont want more STUFF (especially since im really thinking about MOVING?) im living more by necessity everyday and permanent gifts (or hoodies cause you can never have enough of those) are truly the best to me right now.

i need my hair did.

bangs are SO long!

mind equals blown

well some very VERY exciting news has come to my attention and brought a little happiness into my life. i'm an official freelance writer for an up and coming music blog called MIND EQUALS BLOWN. i'm going to be their first RAP writer and am so excited at the opportunity and challenge.

i have a feeling that great things are coming.

bricklayers - redlist & sauce - guru grille, plymouth MA

Many thanks to JOSH HW for taping, editing and posting this video of our performance of "Bricklayers" at the Guru Grille, in Plymouth MA a few weeks ago.

the fairness of life and the success of a life unfair

“Well guess what Seana, life is not fair”.

Oh, those words still echo in the walls of my mind when they came out of my parents mouth after I said, “But that’s not fair”, when I was a wee little sauce. “That’s not fair!” was a favorite saying of my little sister, who was the more “needy” one of my siblings. I learned very quickly to use these words wisely - or, not at all.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

2009 has been a great year for the analysis of who I am as an adult and where I want to go with my life. 2009 was a year where I was finally SELFISH and started to take care of myself in the way that I should have been doing my entire life. 2009 was the year that one of my parents and giver of life, my father, abandoned me and my siblings – and tried to blame us for his lack of compassion, money, and sanity. 2009 is the year that I started treating my depression and anxiety issues – and decided I would not let anyone make those decisions for me anymore. 2009 is the year I taught myself how to paint, cook and bake – and lost the stubborn weight that was plaguing my self esteem for years.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

The other day, my man and I were going over things we needed to do and then he mentioned that he was going to make some quick money off of doing a pretty simple task for one of our close friends. I responded with a big sigh and said, “UH that’s not fair that you can make that kind of money!” – while I bust my ass for 70 hours a week, to pay off loans that I will have until I’m 60 years old. He responded with, “well I’ve put a lot of time, and effort into learning these skills with music and design – so tell me how that’s not fair.” I agreed – and told him that I couldn’t wait for the day that I could start doing the same with design in mind. His statement was just – but it lead me to way more thoughts as the weekend went on.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Life isn’t fair because those same talents and skills that you put a lot of time, determination and effort in is because you had two supportive parents, with Masters Degrees, who were smart with their money, loyal to each other, and always put the bright future of their children before themselves. Right there – is enough to plea my case but I’m longwinded so here we go.

Life isn’t fair because the public and private school system I went to my entire life never had a program where we could learn how to use design programs on a computer – never mind advanced art or music classes. Life isn’t fair because my mom who gave her all to us is still the one suffering because her dad left her too and has only recently come back into her life as a dying old man. Life isn’t fair because I was one of 3000 kids who went to my high school – who didn’t have the support or influence of anyone older or wiser than me. Life isn’t fair because there were days that I didn’t eat supper – and winters where that same winter jacket “had to do” for another year in a row. Life isn't fair because my fathers alcohol addiction caused him to beat the shit of out me and my sisters and left broken blood vessels in my face that you can still see today. Life isn't fair because the beatings stopped when my parents were divorced or my father "found GOD" - the memories are too blurry to remember which came first.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR – but LIFE IS GOOD. And that’s what keeps me working so hard every single day - cause I've been blessed with a survivors heart, a creative mind, and a resilient personality that will get me through the toughest times. I wasn’t given the same opportunities as you, or you ,or you – but I wont stop at anything until I get to where I know I’ll be shining (and hopefully making a pretty penny as well!)

All in time – gotta keep on the GRIND.

my love / hate relationship with BOSTON

in january, i will have been a resident of the city of Boston for 5 years. FIVE YEARS?!?! whoa.

five years ago, i never thought i would be saying this -- or even would be alive so i guess its not as scary or shocking as im making it out to be.

BOSTON IS MY HOME.

after high school i fled to the west coast -- san diego to be exact -- and was there for a year and some change for college. i never felt so free, smart, and independent (well...until now) but my family needed me as much as i needed ME. 2004 brought alot of changes and by january 2005 i was climbing upstairs with boxes, into one of the seediest apartments i ever lived in (of course a Northeastern dorm). a handful of people from my highschool went to school in the Bean, but never found the time to visit or hang out enough. i dipped into an immediate depression that ive only recently began to start to heal.

i lived in countless apartments. i was hurt by alot of people, and have been loved by few. ive always had at least two jobs and a smile on my face most of the time. i graduated college two years ago and have held a full-time job since ive graduated. ive scrapped so many pennies, and i know there are alot more to find and scrape. im going back for my second degree and am learning incredible new things about myself everyday.

every other day for the past 5 years, ive thought of going bac, back to cali. the urge especially comes when the weather SUCKS (which is does 9 months of the year here) or when im bored with who i am or what i've come to. those thoughts really ran away this summer. every now and again, redlist and i mention just picking up and peacing out to the best west coast - but we know where our "home" is.

riding the silver line the other day, it hit me though. i dont want to go ANYWHERE. i love BOSTON. i love boston even when a crackhead man is about to throw up on me after asking me for a spare cigarette. i love boston when it rain, pours, snows, or is 90 degrees all in the same day. i love reaping off the tourists and knowing streets that people didn't even know exist in this city, like the back of my hand. i love bostons consistent attitude and rich rich history of literally the place the country started its revolution. i really believe that i belong here -- and for the first time EVER the other day, i thought to myself "i really want to be here. and stay here"

maybe my family will start to realize that I LIVE HERE and THIS IS MY HOME. next Tuesday i will be standing in line at the RMV ready to smile real big for my Mass ID picture. i'm really excited.

will be writing more on this subject as it is something i ponder quite frequently.

adjusting my tolerance

something ive been thinking about alot lately.

ADJUSTING MY TOLERANCE -- on so many levels.

its little things that lead me to make changes in myself for the better, but sometimes it takes me a long time to notice. i am ever so thankful for my best friend and man in my life who is honest with me.

i think a sign of maturity, and my own maturity is when you do hear criticism or brutal honestly, to not put up a defense right away. even though the truth is shocking sometimes you just really have to sit back and think about it -- and actually change.

i was never afraid of change. i think its a good thing -- of course if its for the better and best that you can be.

thats all for now.

pats saying

i work with a woman named pat - and she honestly reminds me of an older version of myself. she is a great listener, the life of the party, and has more zest for life than most children do.

she has a slew of old sayings and adages - but one stuck out to me this week.

"since when did inmates start running the asylum?!"

just really interesting to think about -- and realize.

the giving tree

for my new design class (which i will rant about at another time) we had to read the famous poem by shel silverstein. this poem always seems to come back to me at certain parts of my life - and i assess it and interpret it differently every single time it seems. there are quiet alot of emoitions embedded in the words of it - and our assignment was to graphically (and in Adobe Illustrator) create our response to the poem.

here is my response:




"I wish I could give you something, but I have nothing left"

this poem intermediately reminded me of being taken advantage of -- and in this case, being taken advantage of your whole life and in the end -- the person who always gave is happy in the end. this was something i recognized with alot of my friends and especially my biological father in the year - few months. and the hardest thing was for me to let go -- even when i had nothing left to give.

i love my little sister.

im honored to be a part of my sisters junior year in highschools AP summer reading papers. she sent this to me last night as today is her first day of school. happy tears came to my eyes as i read this -- and i realized how close we are through her words, and how much she loves me.

I am not sitting here and agreeing with Frankl because I have no proof to back it up. I do. Being the youngest of two older sisters, I firsthand witnessed their high school and college “love drama”. My oldest sister, Seana, someone who is probably my biggest inspiration in life, seemed to always get hurt by boys. Each boy provided something different but each time they broke up, Seana told me she was happy because she knew they weren’t bringing out the best in her. Two and a half years ago, she met someone who did. In those short years I realized how much my sister changed. She is trying new things and living life to the fullest she can. I wholeheartedly believe it’s because she has fallen in love. She has found someone who understands her and trusts and her and most importantly, loves her.


im so lucky <3