easter weekend - much needed family time

it was my first time back in connecticut since christmas and i actually was anticipating traveling to the good ol state i was raised in to see my family. here are some happy images from the weekend.

me and my lil bro whose just growin up so fast!

i can always count on my sav for a silly face

 my favorite little CT driver! 

me and my lil cousin gettin our coloring on!

easter morning monkey bread!

empty.

i really dont feel like updating anything lately.

i feel very empty - and all that has been on my mind are stages of grief and where i need to go from here.

thats all.

february is my least favorite month. come on MARCH

hey say that march comes in like a lion -- and boy i am more than ready for that. february was the most interesting month that ive had in years and overall -- hated it.

i have a lot to be looking forward to in the next couple weeks. ill give some hints about three of the things im MOST excited about.

1.  a week from tomorrow i will be on a plane to SUNNY ORLANDO FLORIDA

2. i just sent my artist so many pictures of my beautiful kitty face. 3/ 20 at 2 PM

3. and last but certainly not least -- i will be seeing my favorite artist Dessa perform live on stage in Boston. i can NOT wait!

...more updates to come!

staying together for the kids.

i was 8 years old when my parents were divorced. many children, no matter what age they are, blame themselves for their parents splitting up. my sister did it - the kid actors on TV did it - but i did not ever once feel that i was the blame for my parents splitting up.

i heard this alot when i went to a thearpy group in my catholic school called Rainbows, for kids who were going through divorce or death in their family. it was me and two other kids for about 3 years together - once a week, with one of the only teachers who was divorced as our mentor. it was a space where we could vent freely. in retrospect, im very very happy that i was able to be invovled in something like this -- even though i know the other kids in my class were snickering behind my back when I skipped recess for Rainbows.

this week, ive been thinking about those parents who look past their differences (or just find a manageable way to live with them) and stay together for the children that theyv'e raised or brought to this world together. even at a young age, i knew that my parents were more at peace being apart.

i guess that this reflection just comes out of missing my Beretta Stacks -- every little thing about her. i wonder if she misses me the same, she is just a kitty face but i still feel that we have such a strong connection.

you always remember your first.

hunger for enlightenment

the lowering of my tolerance also means the crazier my dreams have been having. a friend once told me that this is one of the effects  -- and i have to stay that i really believe him now. my dreams for the past month have been insanely complex, frightening and hopeful -- all things considered, a really good head check for myself.

when my eyes opened today - all i could think of was escape to warmth and having a week of silent time just to think. the first thought i had was to jump on a plane to india and sit with a guru, sweating, meditating, thinking and trying to heal myself. then the realist in me thought, that i dont NEED to go somewhere to get back on track (though a warm vacation would be nice) and that the sooner i come to grips with what is going through my head and my heart -- the better.

writing makes me remember, writing makes me forget

you told me to be honest with myself and to be honest with others. ive heard those words before - and ive heard those words before from your mouth -- but it never hit me so hard.

i would consider myself a very honest person - but have realized over the past few weeks that being dishonest to yourself can turn into perceived dishonesty with others.

i was raised to "not say anything if its not nice at all". this phrase which was first brought to my attention from Thumper in the disney cartoon Bambi - and was reinforced throughout my childhood and young adulthood by my family and the people around me. being the compassionate soul that i am, i was always so afraid to express the feelings i had when treated negatively by others because of this. even until a couple months ago, i would hold this hurt inside in fear of letting the other persons feelings be hurt over mine. even typing this out makes me feel so incredibly lame - and incredibly stupid.

guilt is something that will not hold me down anymore. i never want to put myself through this pain again - and will proclaim it right then and there what im thinking and what im feeling. life is too short not to feel good -- and i need to make more room in my life for good and great things.

still haven't found the words....

...but this song does a little bit to describe whats going on.

this week was too long.

and i dont even have enough words to start to explain it.
ive been writing alot lately in my journal and figured id post them

---

how are your first words chosen, whose the one that you go to when youre broken
im missing those days of social interaction - technological attraction for more than what we ration
high in fashion and higher in the knowledge of truth
lady sauce in the booth cause i cant be silenced
put me right by your side cause ive been the violence
the pressure and the measures we all do to survive
I ONLY KNOW WHAT JOY IS CAUSE IT TAKES PAIN TO FEEL ALIVE
undecided all the time, in life there are too many choices
but im glad that the one you just made resulted in hearing our voices

---

why am i dreaming about clothes?

this week, ive been remembering alot of my dreams. and for some reason, they have all involved this stress with something im wearing. like a wardrobe malfunction to the supreme and the dream then turns into me having a drawn out anxiety attack about something that i am wearing (or maybe thats not the real issue?).

for example, sunday night - i had a dream that i could only wear monochromatic colored outfits. grey shirt and grey skirt. purple pants with an identically colored purple shirt.

then last night, i had a dream that i was late for my waitress job and that i didn't have a sweater to cover up my tattoos. yes, having a bicep tattoo doesn't really work toward my advantage in this place of my employment, but i never mind covering up. in this dream it took me like 2 hours to climb the stairs in my resaurtant, i was getting later and later and then i realized i forgot my sweater. i woke up from that dream feeling stressed -- and barely could sleep the rest of the night last night (i definetly look worse than i feel today).

but where the hell is this coming from? i really do like to figure out these weird/similar patterns and nuances in my dreams -- as i really think its your subconscious trying to tell you something through them. but this is really troubling me. am i nervous about my appearance all of a sudden? do i hate my wardrobe? do i need new clothes? (i like that one).

maybe its nothing but i was contemplating this in my morning faded thoughts on the T this morning and figured i would write about it.

its 2010.

and what do i want?

ive been contemplating so much. the hardest decision i'll ever have to make is a bolder resting on my head and my heart. i cant take anyone else's pearls of wisdom on what i should do because its my life and i need to be the one in control of it. every decision ive made in my life has always had someone else in mind before my own. in the past month ive been consciously selfish and though it does feel REALLY strange, so many of my days have changed.

so what dont i want?


2009 was stuffed with feelings of guilt, persecution, underappreciation and distrust. i dont want to be the blame for someone else's misery, i dont want to be yelled at, and i dont want to be hurt as much as i had been this past year ever again.i dont want to have a panic attack ever again. i dont want my chest to hurt because im worried about money to the point where it haunts my dreams. i dont want to lie and i dont want to lie to myself. i dont want to feel anxious about confrontation and i want EACH and EVERY one of my words to mean something.

so what do i want?

my goal this year is not happiness -- its peace and whatever will bring me closer to that is certainly what i desire for the rest of my days on this earth. peace of mind and peace in my heart that im being the best sauce that i can be everyday.

i want the people im surrounded by to be really listening to me and i want to be a better listener. i want to talk less, think more, write every day and be proactive. i want to be more than accomplished at the end of the day - and have no one to thank but myself. i want to develop the person i am and share it with the world through hip hop, writing, painting and creativity.

i want a simple life with more meaning and a lot more peace.