today is my birthday!

and it was surely an interesting one at that.

stumbled upon this picture from way back. still one of my best birthday memories ever. so hard to believe this was 4 years ago -- but even better to believe that these friends are still the closest ever to me.

merry fucking christmas.

i guess its a streak that i ruin Christmas. my mom told me that two years ago that i did (when she found my Dali wrist tatt) - and she told me again today. i know shes stressed but i try to take it with a grain of salt. but when some of the only people you truly trust and love tell you that you ruined what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, you can help but taking it personally.

my whole life, i just wanted to give my all to those that i love. in doing so, i guess i believed that it would be reciprocated. this year ive learned that this is not true. i also in order to demand respect from those who should have been giving it to me all along, you have to be incredibly blunt and honest, even though it cripples me inside to think how i may or may not be hurting their feelings.

there are somethings that you can win and somethings that you just cant. unfortunately ive been comfortable with the latter -- and it hurts my heart and soul to think that. it hit me this fall that i have to change this empty feeling that i have way too often. i made so many concious changes and told myself that i would NOT FEAR anything, as long as i lived with truth and passion. i told my aunt that ive been feeling selfishly because ive been thinking of myself more, and putting my feelings first. she told me that it was called self caring, and that she was waiting my whole life to hear me say that.

next christmas, there will be no regrets, and hell maybe i'll ruin christmas again -- but guess what? im not settling for ruining myself anymore.

suspicious minds

my father used to play this song (originally done by Elvis Presley) covered by the Fine Young Cannibals in the mid 80s. my little sister and i used to run around the house, dance and sing every word at the top of our lungs for hours it seemed. this is one of the cute memories that actually does come back to me when i think of my past.

im in east hartford for christmas and every time i visit (which is next to never) something about the concept of home and my past hits me. the other night i visited a really good friend of my sisters who has such a strong heart and concious. as we were leaving, she told us to put it ion the radio station that we were listening to all night.

and these lyrics just hit me so hard - thank you ELVIS.

We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I've been
You can't see these tears are real
I'm crying

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And be can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

Oh let our love survive
Or dry the tears from your eyes
Let's don't let a good thing die

When honey, you know
I've never lied to you
Mmm yeah, yeah

actions will have to speak louder than words - and both of us need time to heal.

hello free time!

im officially only down to two jobs as of 8:15 am this morning. so of course im over excited and jumped right into one of the creative projects i was working on when i had this magical thing known as free time.

finished an illustration this morning that i modeled off an old spanish singer poster. i love this style of art so much and it gave me great practice when the pen tool -- which i haven't picked up in so LONG!

 i call it -- "chula sauce" ;D

i cant wait for dessas new album.

one of my all time favorite artists that was introduced to me this year is an inspiring female mc hailing from Minneapolis, Minnesota. she release an EP entitled "False Hopes" a few years back, and i always find myself coming back to it at the perfect times in my life.

here are the lyrics to a song called 551 - one that is really helping me stay together these days.

She's a latter day saint
But she's a Saturday sinner
Suicide Sunday dessert for weekends drinking her dinner
The worry keeps her slender
The pills keep her awake
Her man can't make her happy but he helps to still the shakes

I met her boyfriend at the bar he said he'd stick to beer
Said I could keep the cocktails, martinis taste like tears
I asked if he would leave her
What with all the grief
He passed the pitcher back to me and asked what I believe
I said virginity is a childhood disease
And these days it seems have interest for the addict thief
Patience for the underdramatic, but brief
There's only four ways to aquire
Anyone who says different is a salesman or a liar
And you can find it, earn it, burn it, make it or steal it
I haven't found a single way to keep it
Cause you can leash it, it'll leave
You can teach it to stay and it'll leave
You can case and display, decay and waste it away
And day by day it leaves you by degrees
He put his hand on my knee, sometimes that's what it takes
He doesn't make me happy but he helps to still the shakes

Congratulations to the dry eyes
Consolations to the nice guys
And condensation's on the underside of everything I touch
I seem to chill the objects that I meant so much to love
A man can keep you sane five-hundred-and-fifty days
A year and a half, give or take an afternoon
We should have sooner left the train but we made it
I guess that makes us the survivors
We're blooming in my brain, I hate it
But it makes the colors brighter
It's like the anesthesia despite the man that leaves ya
Like the sad disease you contracted while sitting boring and bored
Come back with a lab report
Your nervous disorder
Won't leave for richer or poorer

check Dessa out at www.doomtree.net or myspace.com/dessadarling

this is how im feeling right now.

as my good friend early adopted would say, "iced 40s save lives!"

life is good.

destinations in mind.

this summer was one of the best i've ever had in the city of Boston - and barely did any kind of escaping. until this summer ive always felt that i needed to get a breath of non-city air every 6 or 8 weeks. and i haven't felt that in a long time. for a summer that lasted so long (yes, it was 60 degrees the first week of december) i've been completely content and comfortable in my city -- only leaving once in September and once in November for thanksgiving.

until last week, i never saw myself leaving boston ever again. i actually really have found my home here and i had to come to terms on that independently. ive recently made new friends, have had many new ideas, and have reconnected with old friends who make me laugh until my stomach hurts. i still have that part of my heart that wants to jet to california forever, but for now -- i just think i really need a vacation.

money is a really important factor when considering a vacation -- but doesn't mean that i need a lavish vacation to refresh my life. actually, im way more on the side of spending the least amount of dough you can while visiting another place -- and doing so makes your journey so much more exciting.

here are a few places that i would love to journey to in the next few months:


1. CHIGAGO



Sunrise at the Gate
Originally uploaded by John Rav

ive been hearing so many great things about this "windy city" lately -- and how the young generation of chicago is boosting its art culture much more these days. my coworker raves about the city -- and has been on my mind all year!


2. AMSTERDAM


if you know me, the reasons are pretty obvious here. i want to tour the entire European Union before I hit 30 years old, but the next stop MUST be this amazing city of Amsterdam


well, actually thats all i can think of for now. anyone want to help me get to these places or know of any deals that are coming up for airfare? i got the travel BUG! :D

let's give it up for the old school lady mc's

ive been mucha inspried by my first favorite female rappers lately. bringin it back to 94 - oh yes.

LIL KIM




FOXY BROWN

im okay if youre okay (pysch)

with the holidays only two weeks away, i tend to start freaking out about 1. christmas presents and 2. the new year. i have had one hell of a 2009 and have accomplished leaps and bounds beyond that in which i thought i could. money and business was absolutely first this year -- and learned how to sacrifice more than i ever have. as i wrote about in the summer, my new hunger for money and peace has certainly taken over and i feel stronger than ever.

i want to use this blog more and more -- to practice writing and to share with that wide world of the internet out there. time of mine is precious, but i want to be committed to sharing and writing especially as this year comes to a close. i feel that i am someone who has something to say and i really think that theyre are people out there listening. i want to step my writing game up alot more as well, as i'm starting to become more of a pro-blogger on Mind Equal Blown (an up and coming music review site). so whatever is on my mind - im going to eleborate it one post at a time everyday. i know i can do it!

i feel that i am on the brink of something incredible -- and that i must keep working hard today for a better tomorrow.

i haven't been this inspired in years.