why am i dreaming about clothes?

this week, ive been remembering alot of my dreams. and for some reason, they have all involved this stress with something im wearing. like a wardrobe malfunction to the supreme and the dream then turns into me having a drawn out anxiety attack about something that i am wearing (or maybe thats not the real issue?).

for example, sunday night - i had a dream that i could only wear monochromatic colored outfits. grey shirt and grey skirt. purple pants with an identically colored purple shirt.

then last night, i had a dream that i was late for my waitress job and that i didn't have a sweater to cover up my tattoos. yes, having a bicep tattoo doesn't really work toward my advantage in this place of my employment, but i never mind covering up. in this dream it took me like 2 hours to climb the stairs in my resaurtant, i was getting later and later and then i realized i forgot my sweater. i woke up from that dream feeling stressed -- and barely could sleep the rest of the night last night (i definetly look worse than i feel today).

but where the hell is this coming from? i really do like to figure out these weird/similar patterns and nuances in my dreams -- as i really think its your subconscious trying to tell you something through them. but this is really troubling me. am i nervous about my appearance all of a sudden? do i hate my wardrobe? do i need new clothes? (i like that one).

maybe its nothing but i was contemplating this in my morning faded thoughts on the T this morning and figured i would write about it.

its 2010.

and what do i want?

ive been contemplating so much. the hardest decision i'll ever have to make is a bolder resting on my head and my heart. i cant take anyone else's pearls of wisdom on what i should do because its my life and i need to be the one in control of it. every decision ive made in my life has always had someone else in mind before my own. in the past month ive been consciously selfish and though it does feel REALLY strange, so many of my days have changed.

so what dont i want?


2009 was stuffed with feelings of guilt, persecution, underappreciation and distrust. i dont want to be the blame for someone else's misery, i dont want to be yelled at, and i dont want to be hurt as much as i had been this past year ever again.i dont want to have a panic attack ever again. i dont want my chest to hurt because im worried about money to the point where it haunts my dreams. i dont want to lie and i dont want to lie to myself. i dont want to feel anxious about confrontation and i want EACH and EVERY one of my words to mean something.

so what do i want?

my goal this year is not happiness -- its peace and whatever will bring me closer to that is certainly what i desire for the rest of my days on this earth. peace of mind and peace in my heart that im being the best sauce that i can be everyday.

i want the people im surrounded by to be really listening to me and i want to be a better listener. i want to talk less, think more, write every day and be proactive. i want to be more than accomplished at the end of the day - and have no one to thank but myself. i want to develop the person i am and share it with the world through hip hop, writing, painting and creativity.

i want a simple life with more meaning and a lot more peace.

today is my birthday!

and it was surely an interesting one at that.

stumbled upon this picture from way back. still one of my best birthday memories ever. so hard to believe this was 4 years ago -- but even better to believe that these friends are still the closest ever to me.

merry fucking christmas.

i guess its a streak that i ruin Christmas. my mom told me that two years ago that i did (when she found my Dali wrist tatt) - and she told me again today. i know shes stressed but i try to take it with a grain of salt. but when some of the only people you truly trust and love tell you that you ruined what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, you can help but taking it personally.

my whole life, i just wanted to give my all to those that i love. in doing so, i guess i believed that it would be reciprocated. this year ive learned that this is not true. i also in order to demand respect from those who should have been giving it to me all along, you have to be incredibly blunt and honest, even though it cripples me inside to think how i may or may not be hurting their feelings.

there are somethings that you can win and somethings that you just cant. unfortunately ive been comfortable with the latter -- and it hurts my heart and soul to think that. it hit me this fall that i have to change this empty feeling that i have way too often. i made so many concious changes and told myself that i would NOT FEAR anything, as long as i lived with truth and passion. i told my aunt that ive been feeling selfishly because ive been thinking of myself more, and putting my feelings first. she told me that it was called self caring, and that she was waiting my whole life to hear me say that.

next christmas, there will be no regrets, and hell maybe i'll ruin christmas again -- but guess what? im not settling for ruining myself anymore.

suspicious minds

my father used to play this song (originally done by Elvis Presley) covered by the Fine Young Cannibals in the mid 80s. my little sister and i used to run around the house, dance and sing every word at the top of our lungs for hours it seemed. this is one of the cute memories that actually does come back to me when i think of my past.

im in east hartford for christmas and every time i visit (which is next to never) something about the concept of home and my past hits me. the other night i visited a really good friend of my sisters who has such a strong heart and concious. as we were leaving, she told us to put it ion the radio station that we were listening to all night.

and these lyrics just hit me so hard - thank you ELVIS.

We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I've been
You can't see these tears are real
I'm crying

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And be can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

Oh let our love survive
Or dry the tears from your eyes
Let's don't let a good thing die

When honey, you know
I've never lied to you
Mmm yeah, yeah

actions will have to speak louder than words - and both of us need time to heal.

hello free time!

im officially only down to two jobs as of 8:15 am this morning. so of course im over excited and jumped right into one of the creative projects i was working on when i had this magical thing known as free time.

finished an illustration this morning that i modeled off an old spanish singer poster. i love this style of art so much and it gave me great practice when the pen tool -- which i haven't picked up in so LONG!

 i call it -- "chula sauce" ;D

this is how im feeling right now.

as my good friend early adopted would say, "iced 40s save lives!"

life is good.

im okay if youre okay (pysch)

with the holidays only two weeks away, i tend to start freaking out about 1. christmas presents and 2. the new year. i have had one hell of a 2009 and have accomplished leaps and bounds beyond that in which i thought i could. money and business was absolutely first this year -- and learned how to sacrifice more than i ever have. as i wrote about in the summer, my new hunger for money and peace has certainly taken over and i feel stronger than ever.

i want to use this blog more and more -- to practice writing and to share with that wide world of the internet out there. time of mine is precious, but i want to be committed to sharing and writing especially as this year comes to a close. i feel that i am someone who has something to say and i really think that theyre are people out there listening. i want to step my writing game up alot more as well, as i'm starting to become more of a pro-blogger on Mind Equal Blown (an up and coming music review site). so whatever is on my mind - im going to eleborate it one post at a time everyday. i know i can do it!

i feel that i am on the brink of something incredible -- and that i must keep working hard today for a better tomorrow.

i haven't been this inspired in years.

dope pictures i found on flickr.

the creative commons is amazing!

will you still love me, tomorrow?

my sister and her friend came up on saturday afternoon for a quick visit - and oh it was exactly what i needed while i put my head back together this weekend. my stomach still hurts from laughing -- and just loved their spice of east hartford that they bring with them whereever they go. on the way to dinner, our friend lindsey said this, and it was JUST what i needed to hear.

be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter dont mind.

true that!

my christmas | birthday list -- for anyone out there curious.

i woke up with a slight pounding on my brain and when my eyes adjusted, i realized that its NOVEMBER 14. holy fuck - the end of the year is actually in sight. 2009 has been one hell of one and im really happy to be making big moves towards bigger and better things in 2010.

but let us NOT forget the major events of the end of the year (which = lots more vacation time, thank heavens) - thanksgiving, christmas, MY BIRTHDAY! (12/30) and new years eve. all these festivities gear tend to put me in a fantastic mood for most of january and february aka before Boston turns to winter hell.

im home from a 9 hour day at the cafe that i work at on the weekends -- and feeling like i do every week these days, BROKE! to lift my spirits, i thought that i would come up with a christmas/birthday list of things that would be most definetly would be dope to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday. now, im NOT the materialist type...what so EVER...but a girl can dream right?

1. CLAWMONEY gear - my girl keeps cranking out the goods with her signature line that ive always adored (but never could afford). guess what! they are actually having a sale on hoodies now that is out of this world -- like 50%! i would wear/own annnnnything on this site (in an XS plz) but im HOPING that these joints stay on sale till next payday. CLAW a personal hero of mine, is doing the damn thing:   http://store.clawmoney.com/womens1.html

2. Tattoos - im honest when i say this, I really dont even care what or how or when. i haven't got an excuse in the world to pay for a tattoo cause, well, i live paycheck to paycheck to survive right now and a savings account isn't in sight until i have a better paying gig, finally win big on bingo scratch tickets, or obama gives me money for my student loans. i haven't been tattooed in now over 3 years and for someone who ran out the door to get one at midnight on her 18th birthday, its been so long.


and last but not least, CA$H - i got more bills to pay making me ill everyday and cash works just about everywhere!

i guess im not THAT much of a dreamer -- maybe i just realize that i dont want more STUFF (especially since im really thinking about MOVING?) im living more by necessity everyday and permanent gifts (or hoodies cause you can never have enough of those) are truly the best to me right now.

i need my hair did.

bangs are SO long!

bricklayers - redlist & sauce - guru grille, plymouth MA

Many thanks to JOSH HW for taping, editing and posting this video of our performance of "Bricklayers" at the Guru Grille, in Plymouth MA a few weeks ago.

adjusting my tolerance

something ive been thinking about alot lately.

ADJUSTING MY TOLERANCE -- on so many levels.

its little things that lead me to make changes in myself for the better, but sometimes it takes me a long time to notice. i am ever so thankful for my best friend and man in my life who is honest with me.

i think a sign of maturity, and my own maturity is when you do hear criticism or brutal honestly, to not put up a defense right away. even though the truth is shocking sometimes you just really have to sit back and think about it -- and actually change.

i was never afraid of change. i think its a good thing -- of course if its for the better and best that you can be.

thats all for now.

pats saying

i work with a woman named pat - and she honestly reminds me of an older version of myself. she is a great listener, the life of the party, and has more zest for life than most children do.

she has a slew of old sayings and adages - but one stuck out to me this week.

"since when did inmates start running the asylum?!"

just really interesting to think about -- and realize.

the giving tree

for my new design class (which i will rant about at another time) we had to read the famous poem by shel silverstein. this poem always seems to come back to me at certain parts of my life - and i assess it and interpret it differently every single time it seems. there are quiet alot of emoitions embedded in the words of it - and our assignment was to graphically (and in Adobe Illustrator) create our response to the poem.

here is my response:




"I wish I could give you something, but I have nothing left"

this poem intermediately reminded me of being taken advantage of -- and in this case, being taken advantage of your whole life and in the end -- the person who always gave is happy in the end. this was something i recognized with alot of my friends and especially my biological father in the year - few months. and the hardest thing was for me to let go -- even when i had nothing left to give.

i love my little sister.

im honored to be a part of my sisters junior year in highschools AP summer reading papers. she sent this to me last night as today is her first day of school. happy tears came to my eyes as i read this -- and i realized how close we are through her words, and how much she loves me.

I am not sitting here and agreeing with Frankl because I have no proof to back it up. I do. Being the youngest of two older sisters, I firsthand witnessed their high school and college “love drama”. My oldest sister, Seana, someone who is probably my biggest inspiration in life, seemed to always get hurt by boys. Each boy provided something different but each time they broke up, Seana told me she was happy because she knew they weren’t bringing out the best in her. Two and a half years ago, she met someone who did. In those short years I realized how much my sister changed. She is trying new things and living life to the fullest she can. I wholeheartedly believe it’s because she has fallen in love. She has found someone who understands her and trusts and her and most importantly, loves her.


im so lucky <3

daily reminders for me.

i would wear this.

my friend here at work really supports my vintage style quest -- and is actually part of the burlesque pinup culture as well. she always passes these great ladies blogs and etsy stores along to me -- and i get so excited to learn about this style and incorporate it into my own.

today, my new favorite blog, vixen vintage, featured an article and photos of topsy turvy design - who are incredible hat makers. here is the one that stole my breath away:
























can you see me in this? maybe a potential photoshoot purchase for the EP coming up this fall! i cant wait to have more $$ and purchase this for my wardrobe. definetly think i was born a few generations late, but am so excited to fuse what i love into my own personal style.