february is my least favorite month. come on MARCH

hey say that march comes in like a lion -- and boy i am more than ready for that. february was the most interesting month that ive had in years and overall -- hated it.

i have a lot to be looking forward to in the next couple weeks. ill give some hints about three of the things im MOST excited about.

1.  a week from tomorrow i will be on a plane to SUNNY ORLANDO FLORIDA

2. i just sent my artist so many pictures of my beautiful kitty face. 3/ 20 at 2 PM

3. and last but certainly not least -- i will be seeing my favorite artist Dessa perform live on stage in Boston. i can NOT wait!

...more updates to come!

still haven't found the words....

...but this song does a little bit to describe whats going on.

this is how im feeling right now.

as my good friend early adopted would say, "iced 40s save lives!"

life is good.

im okay if youre okay (pysch)

with the holidays only two weeks away, i tend to start freaking out about 1. christmas presents and 2. the new year. i have had one hell of a 2009 and have accomplished leaps and bounds beyond that in which i thought i could. money and business was absolutely first this year -- and learned how to sacrifice more than i ever have. as i wrote about in the summer, my new hunger for money and peace has certainly taken over and i feel stronger than ever.

i want to use this blog more and more -- to practice writing and to share with that wide world of the internet out there. time of mine is precious, but i want to be committed to sharing and writing especially as this year comes to a close. i feel that i am someone who has something to say and i really think that theyre are people out there listening. i want to step my writing game up alot more as well, as i'm starting to become more of a pro-blogger on Mind Equal Blown (an up and coming music review site). so whatever is on my mind - im going to eleborate it one post at a time everyday. i know i can do it!

i feel that i am on the brink of something incredible -- and that i must keep working hard today for a better tomorrow.

i haven't been this inspired in years.

will you still love me, tomorrow?

my sister and her friend came up on saturday afternoon for a quick visit - and oh it was exactly what i needed while i put my head back together this weekend. my stomach still hurts from laughing -- and just loved their spice of east hartford that they bring with them whereever they go. on the way to dinner, our friend lindsey said this, and it was JUST what i needed to hear.

be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter dont mind.

true that!

the fairness of life and the success of a life unfair

“Well guess what Seana, life is not fair”.

Oh, those words still echo in the walls of my mind when they came out of my parents mouth after I said, “But that’s not fair”, when I was a wee little sauce. “That’s not fair!” was a favorite saying of my little sister, who was the more “needy” one of my siblings. I learned very quickly to use these words wisely - or, not at all.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

2009 has been a great year for the analysis of who I am as an adult and where I want to go with my life. 2009 was a year where I was finally SELFISH and started to take care of myself in the way that I should have been doing my entire life. 2009 was the year that one of my parents and giver of life, my father, abandoned me and my siblings – and tried to blame us for his lack of compassion, money, and sanity. 2009 is the year that I started treating my depression and anxiety issues – and decided I would not let anyone make those decisions for me anymore. 2009 is the year I taught myself how to paint, cook and bake – and lost the stubborn weight that was plaguing my self esteem for years.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

The other day, my man and I were going over things we needed to do and then he mentioned that he was going to make some quick money off of doing a pretty simple task for one of our close friends. I responded with a big sigh and said, “UH that’s not fair that you can make that kind of money!” – while I bust my ass for 70 hours a week, to pay off loans that I will have until I’m 60 years old. He responded with, “well I’ve put a lot of time, and effort into learning these skills with music and design – so tell me how that’s not fair.” I agreed – and told him that I couldn’t wait for the day that I could start doing the same with design in mind. His statement was just – but it lead me to way more thoughts as the weekend went on.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Life isn’t fair because those same talents and skills that you put a lot of time, determination and effort in is because you had two supportive parents, with Masters Degrees, who were smart with their money, loyal to each other, and always put the bright future of their children before themselves. Right there – is enough to plea my case but I’m longwinded so here we go.

Life isn’t fair because the public and private school system I went to my entire life never had a program where we could learn how to use design programs on a computer – never mind advanced art or music classes. Life isn’t fair because my mom who gave her all to us is still the one suffering because her dad left her too and has only recently come back into her life as a dying old man. Life isn’t fair because I was one of 3000 kids who went to my high school – who didn’t have the support or influence of anyone older or wiser than me. Life isn’t fair because there were days that I didn’t eat supper – and winters where that same winter jacket “had to do” for another year in a row. Life isn't fair because my fathers alcohol addiction caused him to beat the shit of out me and my sisters and left broken blood vessels in my face that you can still see today. Life isn't fair because the beatings stopped when my parents were divorced or my father "found GOD" - the memories are too blurry to remember which came first.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR – but LIFE IS GOOD. And that’s what keeps me working so hard every single day - cause I've been blessed with a survivors heart, a creative mind, and a resilient personality that will get me through the toughest times. I wasn’t given the same opportunities as you, or you ,or you – but I wont stop at anything until I get to where I know I’ll be shining (and hopefully making a pretty penny as well!)

All in time – gotta keep on the GRIND.

my love / hate relationship with BOSTON

in january, i will have been a resident of the city of Boston for 5 years. FIVE YEARS?!?! whoa.

five years ago, i never thought i would be saying this -- or even would be alive so i guess its not as scary or shocking as im making it out to be.

BOSTON IS MY HOME.

after high school i fled to the west coast -- san diego to be exact -- and was there for a year and some change for college. i never felt so free, smart, and independent (well...until now) but my family needed me as much as i needed ME. 2004 brought alot of changes and by january 2005 i was climbing upstairs with boxes, into one of the seediest apartments i ever lived in (of course a Northeastern dorm). a handful of people from my highschool went to school in the Bean, but never found the time to visit or hang out enough. i dipped into an immediate depression that ive only recently began to start to heal.

i lived in countless apartments. i was hurt by alot of people, and have been loved by few. ive always had at least two jobs and a smile on my face most of the time. i graduated college two years ago and have held a full-time job since ive graduated. ive scrapped so many pennies, and i know there are alot more to find and scrape. im going back for my second degree and am learning incredible new things about myself everyday.

every other day for the past 5 years, ive thought of going bac, back to cali. the urge especially comes when the weather SUCKS (which is does 9 months of the year here) or when im bored with who i am or what i've come to. those thoughts really ran away this summer. every now and again, redlist and i mention just picking up and peacing out to the best west coast - but we know where our "home" is.

riding the silver line the other day, it hit me though. i dont want to go ANYWHERE. i love BOSTON. i love boston even when a crackhead man is about to throw up on me after asking me for a spare cigarette. i love boston when it rain, pours, snows, or is 90 degrees all in the same day. i love reaping off the tourists and knowing streets that people didn't even know exist in this city, like the back of my hand. i love bostons consistent attitude and rich rich history of literally the place the country started its revolution. i really believe that i belong here -- and for the first time EVER the other day, i thought to myself "i really want to be here. and stay here"

maybe my family will start to realize that I LIVE HERE and THIS IS MY HOME. next Tuesday i will be standing in line at the RMV ready to smile real big for my Mass ID picture. i'm really excited.

will be writing more on this subject as it is something i ponder quite frequently.

adjusting my tolerance

something ive been thinking about alot lately.

ADJUSTING MY TOLERANCE -- on so many levels.

its little things that lead me to make changes in myself for the better, but sometimes it takes me a long time to notice. i am ever so thankful for my best friend and man in my life who is honest with me.

i think a sign of maturity, and my own maturity is when you do hear criticism or brutal honestly, to not put up a defense right away. even though the truth is shocking sometimes you just really have to sit back and think about it -- and actually change.

i was never afraid of change. i think its a good thing -- of course if its for the better and best that you can be.

thats all for now.

daily reminders for me.

the cup is more than half full.

yes, i will get my revenge and i have nothing holding me back. so much rage is fueling my thoughts now, but im really okay with it. its another step of my "grieving" - or what i most like to refer to as a healing process.

these have been my affirmative thoughts lately:
+ i win
+ my time is more valuable than yours
+ handmade, homemade & trying to as much DIY as possible
+ blunt honesty
+ no time for sleep
+ fuck you, pay me.
+ revenge is so much sweeter when im right and youre wrong
+ use writing and painting to vent anger
+ takin down two people i hate in this life (via the internet)
+ turn other peoples stupidity to lessons & $$$

oh, and im back to working two jobs again. gonna tough this out for the next few months and then about to make some REAL big moves. watch out now.

random design during the weekend.

just felt the need to make these and play around in photoshop on saturday. thought id throw em up here -- kinda give you a feeling of how ive been feeling lately.

myspace design

just putting this up here as something that ive created -- not sure if i'm going to use it. just felt like designing today :]

now, tell me how you really feel!

i think that i almost went over the character limit on my facebook update, but i felt like i wanted to continue this thought for different audience here in this space.

ive been scrapping for pennies every single day and it really doesn't get easier -- but I KNOW that i cant give up. i did loose 18 pounds in the last two months from seriously cutting my eating back (due to the lack of funds -- and a hunger for really something else ...cough cough...that DOUGH aka MONEY). physically im feeling good -- but mentally my mind is crunching numbers and due dates, when i should really be thinking of something else -- like my album or my family or i dunno, what classes I should be enrolling in. instead im up at 4 am checking my bank balances, trying to remember how many bottles ive had to return so i can buy enough packets of ramen for the week so that i can eat "brunch" at work.

i know that ive mentioned before in previous blogs, that ive never had or come from any sort of money. ive ALWAYS had a job (or two) from the time that i could start legally working -- and can really say that ive been supporting myself every dime of the way since i was 17. REALLY. REALLY. sure there were gifts here and there (mostly consisting of food -- which i would prefer to not spend money on anyway). and it could be said that ive done just about anything for money -- except sell any of my reproductive organs or offer them to anyone else. that line i will not cross -- but am pretty much up for any research study, gig, and part-time craigslist scheme to make sure that my bank account isn't in the red everyday.

living in boston is certainly an expensive lifestyle -- IF you make it out to be. i was raised to be a thrifty little bitch - and team j and s now live that lifestyle of being comfortable in an incredibly priced apartment space -- and spending money on ONLY the nessicites.

the dilemma that recently graduated college kids always make is whether to go home after college -- that is if you have the evil ugly bitch Sallie Mae, to pay back for fronting you the $100,000 to go to the school of your choice, which you whole-heartdley believe that you deserved. it was the smartest decision i made (which i knew i would always) to stay in boston because i'm surely making bank compared to my fellow east hartford high graduates, and have created an incredible network for my future career steps already in this city.

yeah, my mom and i got screwed when it came to the FASFA and Sallie Mae cause my biological father didn't want to give out his financial information to see if i could qualify for more federal aid. he and his wife also had 4 kids in the time that i entered high school -- to the my second year in college (from 1999 - 2006).

not to sidetrack or anything, but according to the department of agriculture and welcome from statistics from the year 2004 -- a child takes a single american parent 11,000 to raise a child for one year. (i'm almost positive that this number is higher now) now multiply this by 4 and you get $44,000. Now multiply that per year since my father starting having more children and you get a great big beautiful number of $440,000. WOW. And this man already had two children (my younger sisters) before that in 1988 and 1993. NEVER paid a dime to help our mother who was truly supporting us, and never has he given her the respectable time of day.

any you wonder why i am for birth control? put that shit in the water and give every male a vasectomy until hes got a high school degree, a full-time job, and $50,000 in the bank. SHIT.

lets see -- a 4 year education is estimated at $150,000 -- which means that me and my two (way more intelligent) sisters could have had "free" college education, plus maybe a little extra spending money so i didn't have to sell my blood every 54 days so that I could buy books for school, or live in the shittiest section on the edge of boston in a 8x8 square room because it was all i could afford. THANKS SEAN.

sorry for the tangent, and before i end this rant, i should really get back to the point which i started off this entry talking about. paying for COLLEGE. i was walking down the street sweating my ass off returning bottles from this weekend, and these three angelic glowing girls huffed as i asked them to move out of the way. i wanted to slap them in the face more - but it reminded me why i dont go walking around college campuses anymore.

SO if your parents or loved ones are paid for you to go to college, are currently paying for you to go to college, even kicked in a few grand here and there -- you better wake up every morning and tell them that you love them. you NEVER have an excuse to skip a class or earn anything less than an A. and if you dont have a job and graduated less than 2 months ago, you should be fuckin ashamed of yourself.

my degree is like the parchment that your degree is on too. mine will never come off my shelf and i will hold this great achievement high in the air for as long as i live. the fibers of that piece of paper are intertwined with phone calls to my mother, asking her for advice on life and her spending every last second on the phone with me to make sure that i didn't cry myself to sleep when it got that tough. the letters of my name that grace it are embossed with the sleepless nights, hungry hours and self-determination that i put into each one of my classes for the 4.5 years that it took to finish my Bachelors of Science degree. the only other people i give credit to MY degree are my mother, grandmother, two younger sisters, to the love of my life REDLIST and his family for continually supporting me through the years it took me to get there.

think about my story, before you throw your finger up at someone for crossing the street in front of your car, or chuckle in your head when you see a young soul returning bottles or passing out flyers for an extra $5.00. EVERY single one of my pennies goes to rent, food and paying my education off -- and cant wait for the day when i can stop worrying about the evil green that haunts my sleep and restless mind. dont feel sorry for me though -- i just want everyone to realize that this is HOW i want to earn my awesome life, working my fingers to the bone and having NO ONE else to thank for it besides MYSELF first and foremost and the family and friends who have helped me get to where i am now. the hours that i do sleep at night are restful, and my heart is more at peace than its ever been -- and thats all that ive ever desired.

(mini) vacation mode

Vintage Sunset Beach
Originally uploaded by Chromentia

when i started using all caps in emails with my coworkers, i realized it was time for a much needed vacation. ive been racking up vacation time at my job, which ive had for about a year now - and decided that i am going to use it more on ME kind of days. days where i have nothing to do but to create and accomplish for myself -- cause i have to admit, im really sick of putting all this effort on a daily basis for someone else. this fact has pretty much slapped me in the face in the last few weeks and im planning to MAKE MOVES in the next couple months. i hope to share the moves i make here for whomever stumbles upon this blog and definetly my loyal readers <3 (mini) internet/work vacation and will have many stories to tell when im back on wednesday.


peace.

OMG excitement all around

last week was stressful, as it was rewarding and i am happy that i can see the difference between the two now that i am super relaxing on a GORGEOUS sunday. i finally decided after alot of coffee and this surge of inspiration coming at me (thanks to billy143!) i decided that i officially wanted to open my own business. i had an entire monday off last week and got more done, and made "more money" on the side than i would of at work anyday. why? because i was doing it for myself, i am sure. and 2, because im a productive, smart, creative and honest person who will survive this economy and is SO sick of working for people who will never be able to appreciate her true worth. i even walked into a bank and made a business checking account! hey, i am NOT going to sleep on this - and hope that i can do well with what i have inside my head which i know if i try - i can make it a success!

[drum roll please!!!]

ladies and gentlemen, and sphynx kitties of the world -- INTRODUCING the lastest and greatest from LADY SAUCE, RHYMES & DESIGNS

do you like the name? i kinda love it. my mission statement is in the works, but i will be showcasing and selling (for very low prices) my newest paintings, ideas, songs -- cough, cough hopefully an EP coming soon!), design, sewing projects and photography as well. with every penny that i make, i plan on putting it right back in the business. i have $20 dollars now in my bank account and want to double that in a month -- and probably add a few zeros on it after a year. i will most likely keep the same blog since who i am will be my business and its my business to be who i am! [whoots!]

im officially opening my etsy store (which is currently pretty bare) on August 1, 2009 and finally banged out my business cards this morning.

heres a sneak peek:



its true, I AM keeping it simple. stay tuned!

biographical update -- reality show?

if you know me, you know that i am always trying out a new "scheme" on craiglist. ive realized lately that the doubt that i had about making money (or should i say ever HAVING it) needs to be turned into rage and full-force aggressiveness towards all the money that is out there in the world. one of my favorite places to do this is on craigslist -- and have been paid crazy amounts for doing the craziest of studies, gigs, and focus groups.

today i decided to take a chance and reply to a post for a Boston based reality show that is doing a casting call.

heres what the post read:

A startup production company with a major distributor is casting their new docudrama reality show.We are looking for interesting people to build a reality show around. Are you wacky/funny, or how about too many jobs for being so young? Contact us today! You
can turn your funny/wacky, or having too many jobs, or just being a slacker stories into reality tv.

This reality show is for a major network. We are open to all types of, 18+, any ethnicities, tell us about you and we will be in touch.

Please email us your
1. Name (per who is submitiing)
2. Contact Information
3. Location
4. 1-5 Sentences describing you.
5. Also-one story about you that you think makes you perfect for reality tv.

and here is what i sent them this morning:

My name is Seana, but my family and friends call me "Sauce", an affectionate nickname that I was dubbed with about 6 years ago and I'm convinced will never go away.

I am a 23 year old female living each day to the fullest. I am what I am and I have no shame in my game. I rap, I paint, and I talk fast. I have met someone from 80% of every country in the world. My biological father just "cut me off" along with 3 of my other sisters -- but I still am the oldest of 10 siblings.

I am a Capricorn "shorty", who is living the life of her dreams in a 200 year old loft apartment in the city of Boston. When I was younger, I really wanted to "change the world". Now i just want to see it and experience each day that I am offered. I adore classic hip-hop, jeopardy, strong coffee and even stronger beer. I am truly inspired by warm days, crazy dreams, delicious food & the independent talent that lies in the young adult generation of today.

I am the queen of getting things for free, and for flying by the seat of my pants. I am probably one of the most positive people you will ever meet - with a heart full of gold, pockets full of lint and a handful of cash that flies in and out of my hands so quickly. I give this city of Boston (where I have lived for 6 years now) all that I have, and once and a while -- I get it back. Tourists are the best source of income, but the desperate yet personable individual that I am, I participate in craigslist gigs, part-time jobs, focus groups and research studies at least twice a week. I was never rich -- never came from money, and my parents came from less than that. As children of immigrants they instilled a strong sense of determination -- and also a strong sense of pride in the personal values that you hold rather than how much money is in your bank account at a given moment.

I am in the very beginning phases of starting my own business. I received my first undergraduate degree (in Human Services) in 2008 from Northeastern- am became the first person in my family EVER to graduate college. I am getting my second undergraduate degree in Graphic Design for free thanks to the full-time job that I have. I am extremely interested in the human race, cultures, and how people make decisions and travel through this journey of life. I love hearing peoples stories - and I love taking chances. I can not wait to share my story one day.

paintings - post 1 of 1,000,000

alright, so now i really have the bug. in the past month (since the day that i dropped my summer class) all i have wanted to do is create -- really anything! mostly.



maybe they are a little elementary for now, but i think the important part is to KEEP painting to grow. this inspriation is coming from everywhere -- and im just really trying to run with it, never better, and never slowing down.my crazy father always used to say "practice makes permanent, because noone is perfect". im going to take that with a grain of salt and continue to practice my painting release, expression, mediation -- the list goes on.

i have NO idea what i am going to do next, or what i will even do with these paintings -- but the ideas and colors just keep coming alive on my canvas so im going to go for it.

get [at] me if you are interested in any of the ones pictured or have a request. yes, i am serious email: iamladysauce [at] gmail.com.

lets catch up.

something that i inherited from my father was flying by the seat of my pants. thats a phrase right? the point that im just trying to get across is that my father was and still is spontaneous as hell. just last week, my sister and i were "reminiscing" of the crazy places we used to go with him, the twisted logic he taught us, and how after all - hes still looking for something better out there -- or the next great idea that will make him feel good and possibly rich too.

so im not going to get all depressed and shit and start blogging about how my fathers disappearance in my life has done major things to me. all of those stories are going towards the book ill write someday. i just think it is significant to mention because thats why ive been "hiding" from this blog -- because even though the best writing comes out of frustration or hurt for me, i prefer not to do grieve so publically.

this process is important to share for any one out there who knows me or who will ever know me or whom ever is dealing with maybe the same issues. being "cut off" by your parents hurts, but doing the "cutting off" to your own parent is empowering as it is crushing.

what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and its true more than ever. my confidence has bloomed into something i finally like myself and im just so excited for days that are ahead of me.

okay im back.

i tried wordpress and i just didn't like it the same! im back to blogger and im back in blogging action.

watch out now!