february is my least favorite month. come on MARCH

hey say that march comes in like a lion -- and boy i am more than ready for that. february was the most interesting month that ive had in years and overall -- hated it.

i have a lot to be looking forward to in the next couple weeks. ill give some hints about three of the things im MOST excited about.

1.  a week from tomorrow i will be on a plane to SUNNY ORLANDO FLORIDA

2. i just sent my artist so many pictures of my beautiful kitty face. 3/ 20 at 2 PM

3. and last but certainly not least -- i will be seeing my favorite artist Dessa perform live on stage in Boston. i can NOT wait!

...more updates to come!

its 2010.

and what do i want?

ive been contemplating so much. the hardest decision i'll ever have to make is a bolder resting on my head and my heart. i cant take anyone else's pearls of wisdom on what i should do because its my life and i need to be the one in control of it. every decision ive made in my life has always had someone else in mind before my own. in the past month ive been consciously selfish and though it does feel REALLY strange, so many of my days have changed.

so what dont i want?


2009 was stuffed with feelings of guilt, persecution, underappreciation and distrust. i dont want to be the blame for someone else's misery, i dont want to be yelled at, and i dont want to be hurt as much as i had been this past year ever again.i dont want to have a panic attack ever again. i dont want my chest to hurt because im worried about money to the point where it haunts my dreams. i dont want to lie and i dont want to lie to myself. i dont want to feel anxious about confrontation and i want EACH and EVERY one of my words to mean something.

so what do i want?

my goal this year is not happiness -- its peace and whatever will bring me closer to that is certainly what i desire for the rest of my days on this earth. peace of mind and peace in my heart that im being the best sauce that i can be everyday.

i want the people im surrounded by to be really listening to me and i want to be a better listener. i want to talk less, think more, write every day and be proactive. i want to be more than accomplished at the end of the day - and have no one to thank but myself. i want to develop the person i am and share it with the world through hip hop, writing, painting and creativity.

i want a simple life with more meaning and a lot more peace.

the fairness of life and the success of a life unfair

“Well guess what Seana, life is not fair”.

Oh, those words still echo in the walls of my mind when they came out of my parents mouth after I said, “But that’s not fair”, when I was a wee little sauce. “That’s not fair!” was a favorite saying of my little sister, who was the more “needy” one of my siblings. I learned very quickly to use these words wisely - or, not at all.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

2009 has been a great year for the analysis of who I am as an adult and where I want to go with my life. 2009 was a year where I was finally SELFISH and started to take care of myself in the way that I should have been doing my entire life. 2009 was the year that one of my parents and giver of life, my father, abandoned me and my siblings – and tried to blame us for his lack of compassion, money, and sanity. 2009 is the year that I started treating my depression and anxiety issues – and decided I would not let anyone make those decisions for me anymore. 2009 is the year I taught myself how to paint, cook and bake – and lost the stubborn weight that was plaguing my self esteem for years.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

The other day, my man and I were going over things we needed to do and then he mentioned that he was going to make some quick money off of doing a pretty simple task for one of our close friends. I responded with a big sigh and said, “UH that’s not fair that you can make that kind of money!” – while I bust my ass for 70 hours a week, to pay off loans that I will have until I’m 60 years old. He responded with, “well I’ve put a lot of time, and effort into learning these skills with music and design – so tell me how that’s not fair.” I agreed – and told him that I couldn’t wait for the day that I could start doing the same with design in mind. His statement was just – but it lead me to way more thoughts as the weekend went on.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Life isn’t fair because those same talents and skills that you put a lot of time, determination and effort in is because you had two supportive parents, with Masters Degrees, who were smart with their money, loyal to each other, and always put the bright future of their children before themselves. Right there – is enough to plea my case but I’m longwinded so here we go.

Life isn’t fair because the public and private school system I went to my entire life never had a program where we could learn how to use design programs on a computer – never mind advanced art or music classes. Life isn’t fair because my mom who gave her all to us is still the one suffering because her dad left her too and has only recently come back into her life as a dying old man. Life isn’t fair because I was one of 3000 kids who went to my high school – who didn’t have the support or influence of anyone older or wiser than me. Life isn’t fair because there were days that I didn’t eat supper – and winters where that same winter jacket “had to do” for another year in a row. Life isn't fair because my fathers alcohol addiction caused him to beat the shit of out me and my sisters and left broken blood vessels in my face that you can still see today. Life isn't fair because the beatings stopped when my parents were divorced or my father "found GOD" - the memories are too blurry to remember which came first.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR – but LIFE IS GOOD. And that’s what keeps me working so hard every single day - cause I've been blessed with a survivors heart, a creative mind, and a resilient personality that will get me through the toughest times. I wasn’t given the same opportunities as you, or you ,or you – but I wont stop at anything until I get to where I know I’ll be shining (and hopefully making a pretty penny as well!)

All in time – gotta keep on the GRIND.