merry fucking christmas.

i guess its a streak that i ruin Christmas. my mom told me that two years ago that i did (when she found my Dali wrist tatt) - and she told me again today. i know shes stressed but i try to take it with a grain of salt. but when some of the only people you truly trust and love tell you that you ruined what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, you can help but taking it personally.

my whole life, i just wanted to give my all to those that i love. in doing so, i guess i believed that it would be reciprocated. this year ive learned that this is not true. i also in order to demand respect from those who should have been giving it to me all along, you have to be incredibly blunt and honest, even though it cripples me inside to think how i may or may not be hurting their feelings.

there are somethings that you can win and somethings that you just cant. unfortunately ive been comfortable with the latter -- and it hurts my heart and soul to think that. it hit me this fall that i have to change this empty feeling that i have way too often. i made so many concious changes and told myself that i would NOT FEAR anything, as long as i lived with truth and passion. i told my aunt that ive been feeling selfishly because ive been thinking of myself more, and putting my feelings first. she told me that it was called self caring, and that she was waiting my whole life to hear me say that.

next christmas, there will be no regrets, and hell maybe i'll ruin christmas again -- but guess what? im not settling for ruining myself anymore.