on the topic of: embarassment

i could be quoted saying that i'm not embarrassed of anything. i am a very real and shameless person because i dont believe in living a life doing things you regret. always believed that mistakes are lessons and in my adult life have learned from so many. im a control freak by nature, but theres one little thing that lets me relax from these tendendies. youve guessed it? the bloody drink.

friday night, i really fucked up. the fact that i dont recall 90% of it in my memory is even worse. i have no idea what came over me -- but i know that its partially on the line of unforgiveable and i dont plan on going out for sushi for a while. i woke up saturday morning trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, crying -- doing the normal  beating up that i do to myself when i feel like ive failed the people i love. thinking of all the reasons i could have dipped that low and got that tispy, running to make it to work on time, wondering if my man and my good friends (who i owe a million more apologies to all three) would ever let me (1) forget the events and (2) forgive me for the pryotechnics of an empty stomach with too much booze and a loud mouth that works to my disadvantage when i black out now.

a lesson learned? oh hell yes. do i hate myself right now as im writing this? hell no. it took me about 72 hours to come to terms with myself, but after hours of contemplating at my weekend job and lots of thinking during some therapeutic cupcake baking meditations, i know that im NOT perfect and everyone fucks up. its a good "check" with myself with what im doing with my life and how it can be very easy to reach that point of no control -- especially when the "sauce" is involved. i tend to forget how small i am as well, and cant drink the way that i used too.

growing up is all about this -- and putting it all out here on this good old blog will remind me even more to keep it real and not loose my shit again like that. in the meantime, i lot of work to do still with adjusting my tolerance, and thank everyone for being a true friend and helping me stay in "line" (haha) everyday.