i think that i almost went over the character limit on my facebook update, but i felt like i wanted to continue this thought for different audience here in this space.
ive been scrapping for pennies every single day and it really doesn't get easier -- but I KNOW that i cant give up. i did loose 18 pounds in the last two months from seriously cutting my eating back (due to the lack of funds -- and a hunger for really something else ...cough cough...that DOUGH aka MONEY). physically im feeling good -- but mentally my mind is crunching numbers and due dates, when i should really be thinking of something else -- like my album or my family or i dunno, what classes I should be enrolling in. instead im up at 4 am checking my bank balances, trying to remember how many bottles ive had to return so i can buy enough packets of ramen for the week so that i can eat "brunch" at work.
i know that ive mentioned before in previous blogs, that ive never had or come from any sort of money. ive ALWAYS had a job (or two) from the time that i could start legally working -- and can really say that ive been supporting myself every dime of the way since i was 17. REALLY. REALLY. sure there were gifts here and there (mostly consisting of food -- which i would prefer to not spend money on anyway). and it could be said that ive done just about anything for money -- except sell any of my reproductive organs or offer them to anyone else. that line i will not cross -- but am pretty much up for any research study, gig, and part-time craigslist scheme to make sure that my bank account isn't in the red everyday.
living in boston is certainly an expensive lifestyle -- IF you make it out to be. i was raised to be a thrifty little bitch - and team j and s now live that lifestyle of being comfortable in an incredibly priced apartment space -- and spending money on ONLY the nessicites.
the dilemma that recently graduated college kids always make is whether to go home after college -- that is if you have the evil ugly bitch Sallie Mae, to pay back for fronting you the $100,000 to go to the school of your choice, which you whole-heartdley believe that you deserved. it was the smartest decision i made (which i knew i would always) to stay in boston because i'm surely making bank compared to my fellow east hartford high graduates, and have created an incredible network for my future career steps already in this city.
yeah, my mom and i got screwed when it came to the FASFA and Sallie Mae cause my biological father didn't want to give out his financial information to see if i could qualify for more federal aid. he and his wife also had 4 kids in the time that i entered high school -- to the my second year in college (from 1999 - 2006).
not to sidetrack or anything, but according to the department of agriculture and welcome from statistics from the year 2004 -- a child takes a single american parent 11,000 to raise a child for one year. (i'm almost positive that this number is higher now) now multiply this by 4 and you get $44,000. Now multiply that per year since my father starting having more children and you get a great big beautiful number of $440,000. WOW. And this man already had two children (my younger sisters) before that in 1988 and 1993. NEVER paid a dime to help our mother who was truly supporting us, and never has he given her the respectable time of day.
any you wonder why i am for birth control? put that shit in the water and give every male a vasectomy until hes got a high school degree, a full-time job, and $50,000 in the bank. SHIT.
lets see -- a 4 year education is estimated at $150,000 -- which means that me and my two (way more intelligent) sisters could have had "free" college education, plus maybe a little extra spending money so i didn't have to sell my blood every 54 days so that I could buy books for school, or live in the shittiest section on the edge of boston in a 8x8 square room because it was all i could afford. THANKS SEAN.
sorry for the tangent, and before i end this rant, i should really get back to the point which i started off this entry talking about. paying for COLLEGE. i was walking down the street sweating my ass off returning bottles from this weekend, and these three angelic glowing girls huffed as i asked them to move out of the way. i wanted to slap them in the face more - but it reminded me why i dont go walking around college campuses anymore.
SO if your parents or loved ones are paid for you to go to college, are currently paying for you to go to college, even kicked in a few grand here and there -- you better wake up every morning and tell them that you love them. you NEVER have an excuse to skip a class or earn anything less than an A. and if you dont have a job and graduated less than 2 months ago, you should be fuckin ashamed of yourself.
my degree is like the parchment that your degree is on too. mine will never come off my shelf and i will hold this great achievement high in the air for as long as i live. the fibers of that piece of paper are intertwined with phone calls to my mother, asking her for advice on life and her spending every last second on the phone with me to make sure that i didn't cry myself to sleep when it got that tough. the letters of my name that grace it are embossed with the sleepless nights, hungry hours and self-determination that i put into each one of my classes for the 4.5 years that it took to finish my Bachelors of Science degree. the only other people i give credit to MY degree are my mother, grandmother, two younger sisters, to the love of my life REDLIST and his family for continually supporting me through the years it took me to get there.
think about my story, before you throw your finger up at someone for crossing the street in front of your car, or chuckle in your head when you see a young soul returning bottles or passing out flyers for an extra $5.00. EVERY single one of my pennies goes to rent, food and paying my education off -- and cant wait for the day when i can stop worrying about the evil green that haunts my sleep and restless mind. dont feel sorry for me though -- i just want everyone to realize that this is HOW i want to earn my awesome life, working my fingers to the bone and having NO ONE else to thank for it besides MYSELF first and foremost and the family and friends who have helped me get to where i am now. the hours that i do sleep at night are restful, and my heart is more at peace than its ever been -- and thats all that ive ever desired.
AMEN
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