dope pictures i found on flickr.

the creative commons is amazing!

will you still love me, tomorrow?

my sister and her friend came up on saturday afternoon for a quick visit - and oh it was exactly what i needed while i put my head back together this weekend. my stomach still hurts from laughing -- and just loved their spice of east hartford that they bring with them whereever they go. on the way to dinner, our friend lindsey said this, and it was JUST what i needed to hear.

be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter dont mind.

true that!

on the topic of: embarassment

i could be quoted saying that i'm not embarrassed of anything. i am a very real and shameless person because i dont believe in living a life doing things you regret. always believed that mistakes are lessons and in my adult life have learned from so many. im a control freak by nature, but theres one little thing that lets me relax from these tendendies. youve guessed it? the bloody drink.

friday night, i really fucked up. the fact that i dont recall 90% of it in my memory is even worse. i have no idea what came over me -- but i know that its partially on the line of unforgiveable and i dont plan on going out for sushi for a while. i woke up saturday morning trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, crying -- doing the normal  beating up that i do to myself when i feel like ive failed the people i love. thinking of all the reasons i could have dipped that low and got that tispy, running to make it to work on time, wondering if my man and my good friends (who i owe a million more apologies to all three) would ever let me (1) forget the events and (2) forgive me for the pryotechnics of an empty stomach with too much booze and a loud mouth that works to my disadvantage when i black out now.

a lesson learned? oh hell yes. do i hate myself right now as im writing this? hell no. it took me about 72 hours to come to terms with myself, but after hours of contemplating at my weekend job and lots of thinking during some therapeutic cupcake baking meditations, i know that im NOT perfect and everyone fucks up. its a good "check" with myself with what im doing with my life and how it can be very easy to reach that point of no control -- especially when the "sauce" is involved. i tend to forget how small i am as well, and cant drink the way that i used too.

growing up is all about this -- and putting it all out here on this good old blog will remind me even more to keep it real and not loose my shit again like that. in the meantime, i lot of work to do still with adjusting my tolerance, and thank everyone for being a true friend and helping me stay in "line" (haha) everyday.

my christmas | birthday list -- for anyone out there curious.

i woke up with a slight pounding on my brain and when my eyes adjusted, i realized that its NOVEMBER 14. holy fuck - the end of the year is actually in sight. 2009 has been one hell of one and im really happy to be making big moves towards bigger and better things in 2010.

but let us NOT forget the major events of the end of the year (which = lots more vacation time, thank heavens) - thanksgiving, christmas, MY BIRTHDAY! (12/30) and new years eve. all these festivities gear tend to put me in a fantastic mood for most of january and february aka before Boston turns to winter hell.

im home from a 9 hour day at the cafe that i work at on the weekends -- and feeling like i do every week these days, BROKE! to lift my spirits, i thought that i would come up with a christmas/birthday list of things that would be most definetly would be dope to receive as gifts this upcoming holiday. now, im NOT the materialist type...what so EVER...but a girl can dream right?

1. CLAWMONEY gear - my girl keeps cranking out the goods with her signature line that ive always adored (but never could afford). guess what! they are actually having a sale on hoodies now that is out of this world -- like 50%! i would wear/own annnnnything on this site (in an XS plz) but im HOPING that these joints stay on sale till next payday. CLAW a personal hero of mine, is doing the damn thing:   http://store.clawmoney.com/womens1.html

2. Tattoos - im honest when i say this, I really dont even care what or how or when. i haven't got an excuse in the world to pay for a tattoo cause, well, i live paycheck to paycheck to survive right now and a savings account isn't in sight until i have a better paying gig, finally win big on bingo scratch tickets, or obama gives me money for my student loans. i haven't been tattooed in now over 3 years and for someone who ran out the door to get one at midnight on her 18th birthday, its been so long.


and last but not least, CA$H - i got more bills to pay making me ill everyday and cash works just about everywhere!

i guess im not THAT much of a dreamer -- maybe i just realize that i dont want more STUFF (especially since im really thinking about MOVING?) im living more by necessity everyday and permanent gifts (or hoodies cause you can never have enough of those) are truly the best to me right now.

i need my hair did.

bangs are SO long!

mind equals blown

well some very VERY exciting news has come to my attention and brought a little happiness into my life. i'm an official freelance writer for an up and coming music blog called MIND EQUALS BLOWN. i'm going to be their first RAP writer and am so excited at the opportunity and challenge.

i have a feeling that great things are coming.

bricklayers - redlist & sauce - guru grille, plymouth MA

Many thanks to JOSH HW for taping, editing and posting this video of our performance of "Bricklayers" at the Guru Grille, in Plymouth MA a few weeks ago.

the fairness of life and the success of a life unfair

“Well guess what Seana, life is not fair”.

Oh, those words still echo in the walls of my mind when they came out of my parents mouth after I said, “But that’s not fair”, when I was a wee little sauce. “That’s not fair!” was a favorite saying of my little sister, who was the more “needy” one of my siblings. I learned very quickly to use these words wisely - or, not at all.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

2009 has been a great year for the analysis of who I am as an adult and where I want to go with my life. 2009 was a year where I was finally SELFISH and started to take care of myself in the way that I should have been doing my entire life. 2009 was the year that one of my parents and giver of life, my father, abandoned me and my siblings – and tried to blame us for his lack of compassion, money, and sanity. 2009 is the year that I started treating my depression and anxiety issues – and decided I would not let anyone make those decisions for me anymore. 2009 is the year I taught myself how to paint, cook and bake – and lost the stubborn weight that was plaguing my self esteem for years.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

The other day, my man and I were going over things we needed to do and then he mentioned that he was going to make some quick money off of doing a pretty simple task for one of our close friends. I responded with a big sigh and said, “UH that’s not fair that you can make that kind of money!” – while I bust my ass for 70 hours a week, to pay off loans that I will have until I’m 60 years old. He responded with, “well I’ve put a lot of time, and effort into learning these skills with music and design – so tell me how that’s not fair.” I agreed – and told him that I couldn’t wait for the day that I could start doing the same with design in mind. His statement was just – but it lead me to way more thoughts as the weekend went on.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

Life isn’t fair because those same talents and skills that you put a lot of time, determination and effort in is because you had two supportive parents, with Masters Degrees, who were smart with their money, loyal to each other, and always put the bright future of their children before themselves. Right there – is enough to plea my case but I’m longwinded so here we go.

Life isn’t fair because the public and private school system I went to my entire life never had a program where we could learn how to use design programs on a computer – never mind advanced art or music classes. Life isn’t fair because my mom who gave her all to us is still the one suffering because her dad left her too and has only recently come back into her life as a dying old man. Life isn’t fair because I was one of 3000 kids who went to my high school – who didn’t have the support or influence of anyone older or wiser than me. Life isn’t fair because there were days that I didn’t eat supper – and winters where that same winter jacket “had to do” for another year in a row. Life isn't fair because my fathers alcohol addiction caused him to beat the shit of out me and my sisters and left broken blood vessels in my face that you can still see today. Life isn't fair because the beatings stopped when my parents were divorced or my father "found GOD" - the memories are too blurry to remember which came first.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR – but LIFE IS GOOD. And that’s what keeps me working so hard every single day - cause I've been blessed with a survivors heart, a creative mind, and a resilient personality that will get me through the toughest times. I wasn’t given the same opportunities as you, or you ,or you – but I wont stop at anything until I get to where I know I’ll be shining (and hopefully making a pretty penny as well!)

All in time – gotta keep on the GRIND.